Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

Can Overweight Women Become Anorexic?

Posted on: February 19, 2010

I use to joke that I had the opposite of Anorexia because when I looked in the mirror I saw my heavy, out of shape, lumpy body as looking MUCH BETTER than the scale, photos (UGH – photos!), and window reflections said I did.  After almost 7 weeks “on plan” I feel like I’m REALLY developing Anorexic behaviors – as if I’ve traded one obsession for another…

Examples:

I’m under-eating.  Daily my caloric in-take is too low. I’m losing weight and feeling fine so even though I’m trying to up my calories – it’s just not happening.  Even when I fill my plate I get full before it’s gone…

I’ve become really carb-phobic, even though my plan allows complex carbs.  I AM eating fruit (berries, red grapefruit, apple halves, and small banana pieces, though) but I KNOW I should be eating more whole wheat bread, brown rice, sweet potatoes, and oatmeal… When I start to eat them I immediately feel full.  And guilty.

Tell me THIS isn’t anorexic behavior – I inadvertently stuck a corn muffin crumb in my mouth (while buttering it for my son) then spit it out when I realized what I did.  I swallowed a piece of gum and immediately thought, “Damn!  That was off-plan”.  While making my son a peanut butter sandwich I couldn’t allow myself to lick the peanut butter off my finger.

For the first time since Jan. 5th, I bought my daughter french fries yesterday.  I swear to God that I felt like I was cheating just by smelling them!  It was like the smell alone was adding fat to my body.  Insane.

In almost 7 weeks I’ve only cheated ONCE – with an off-plan meal and way too many sugary desserts.  I’ve spent the week TRYING to focus on my successes but it’s that damn Saturday night that keeps creeping into my thoughts.  I have such little control over my thoughts.

I’m totally obsessed with my eating and eating schedule. I no longer waffle over the decision to eat on-plan – I just do it.  But what on-plan food I’m going to eat and when is ALWAYS there, as is what time I’m going to yoga.  Of course, if I DON’T make it to yoga – the guilt rains down on me!

I feel weak and like a failure when I add a “TOUCH” of olive oil to saute my veggies or dress my salad.  Truly – a touch – like a teaspoon… bums me out.

I can’t get myself to eat everything on my plate.  I use a salad plate so this is ridiculous.  I use a freakin’ salad plate!

When I started this journey I decided to not drink diet pop – it’s full of sodium, has no nutritional value, and the artificial sweeteners are bad and can cause cravings.  I’ve had one can of it in 7 weeks – FAIL.

I’m 5′ 8″ and I weigh 222 pounds – so NOT Anorexic!!  I’ve lost 33 pounds in 7 weeks – so why am I complaining and beating myself up?  My silly complaining now makes me feel like one of those skinny girls complaining about how their size 8 jeans have gotten too tight!!    Maybe my pointing out, in writing, how “off” my thoughts and self-judgements are will help take the scales off my eyes?  I use to eat to feed my emotions and now I seem to be holding myself to unrealistically high standards of weight loss in an attempt… to what?… control my emotions, feel like I’m in control of my life, punish myself?  I think it’s just another form of depression.  Like I can’t allow myself to be happy, to truly be proud of myself, to just let go and enjoy my life…  kind of makes me want to cry and crawl back into bed. 

~ Sigh.  I just want to feel “normal”.  What the hell that is – who knows??  I just know I don’t feel “normal”.  – Angie

Advertisements

4 Responses to "Can Overweight Women Become Anorexic?"

Hi Angie – I am new to this whole blogging thing but I have recently begun a cold turkey journey to put an end to my bulimia. Its been more years than it should and at points during my eating disorder your thoughts were the same that troubled my mind. A bit of advice is the more you obsess over it, sooner or later you are going to start missing out on your life. Although my situation is different, I felt the same obsessing over what I am going to eat and when and god forbid I used whole milk and a whole cup of it in my cereal. I started using water telling people dairy made me sick (what a lie). I trained my mind to feel that what I thought was a reality that yes I couldnt eat that because I would be sick and me throwing it up would only be a help to my own body.

Ive lost so much the past year, friends, relationships, and for what? The good thing is you are realizing the way you are feeling towards food isnt normal. My advice is maybe the diet you are on isnt for you, and another would be better? All I know is that no weight loss is worth the obsession over food and bad relationship you can develop with it. Trust me its NOT fun.

Wish you well!

Minnie

Angie,

First I need to say that losing 33 pounds in 7 weeks is a lot of weight to lose…it could be because you just began, but that is not a rate that you would want to continue – it wouldn’t be healthy for your body. Please be careful.

I struggled with weight my whole life; I ended up getting quite a bit of counseling to work through the reasons I overate, binged, restricted food. Funny, but not really ha-ha, through therapy I discovered how/why I was never a good purger. I only say that now because I carry many of the text book signs of an anorexic/bulimic – it isn’t just about the fact that I like brownies. I have a messed up relationship with food. Now I see the sighns coming and I go for little tune ups – went for one today as a matter of fact. I find it very helpful.

I struggle with perfection – the perfect daughter, fat girl, dieter, student…..you name it. But this process is just that – if we only focus on being perfect we forget what we are trying to learn along the way…the process is really important.

I’ve rambled…hang in there…and be gentle with yourself.
Melissa

Hey lady, these do sound like not-so-good habits forming.
Its good your watching everything that goes in your mouth. But ONE diet pop in 7 weeks?! That is incredible. You should pat yourself on the back for that one! And olive oil is a goood fat, don’t dwell on using it. Remember. you could be using a slab of butter instead, and that is more like a no no kind if thing.
You have yourself at such a low calorie intake already, you really shouldn’t be eating under it so often! Depression does make us tired, but not eating is more likely the cause. At the end of the day, if I haven’t met my calories, I MAKE myself eat something (sounds silly, but we know when too many cal is too little). A big salad with mixed greens, a bit of cheese and a dressing on top, will give you an extra bit of calories. And don’t fret about using a tiny bit of dressing, since its probably the only “bad” thing you would have eaten all day, and you only use a bit!
Try to get all those calories, and i’m sure your mood will enhance 🙂
Have a grreeeaaat weekend!
Jocey

Hey Angie,

I really admire your total honesty in a post like this…just publishing your thoughts like you did goes a long way in getting to a more healthy thought process about food! I was going to email you but can’t find an address…if you want to chat a little more privately, my email is rtpalmieri@gmail.com.

I will say this: I hate diets because of all of the restrictions that come with them. I think these restrictions are what lead to unhealthy thoughts and obsessions about food. Really what we should be doing is learning how to make the right choices most of the time (and for the record, olive oil is always the right choice) and how to forgive ourselves when we make the not so healthy choices…we need “get out of jail free” cards for when we eat something that we think we shouldn’t. We are human after all! I think in a healthy lifestyle things like whole grains and complex carbohydrates are necessary and I would hate to see you continue to put the skull and crossbones on them because eventually, you will need to incorporate them into your diet. It’s too difficult to sustain something as restrictive as a diet. That’s why we should focus on a lifestyle change instead!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

________* * ANGIE * *________



They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.



This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...


Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 16 other followers

Previous Thoughts & Meanderings

%d bloggers like this: