Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

I really Appreciate YOU! (((hugs)))

Posted on: May 19, 2010

Thank you for all of your encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my last post.  I was too down to take the time to reply – but each and every one of them made me S*m*i*l*e!


I’m feeling less out of control, which is good.  I’m feeling quite confused about what to eat, though.  Obviously the plan I followed faithfully for 15 weeks worked like a charm for weight loss, but it (also obviously), isn’t one that I can or am willing to follow for the rest of my life.  In many ways all I did was trade one compulsive food behavior for another.  I don’t want to constantly watch the clock to see when I’m “supposed” to eat next, plan every meal ahead of time, feel too weak-willed to eat out, log everything I eat (another compulsive behavior), and focus so much time and energy on weight loss.  That level of control is just not maintainable long-term.  There has got to be a way to live comfortably in moderation – somewhere between the binge and a life of deprivation.

I think Geneen Roth may have my answers.  I stumbled upon her books just before I realized that Oprah was also swept away with her insights.  I borrowed every book she’d ever written from the library, eventually buying most of them along with many of her audio downloads.  It seems as though every page has some truth that speaks to me deep down in my core – the place that I rarely allow myself to visit but instead numb its voice with compulsive behavior (eating, shopping, shop-lifting as a teen (*blush*), collecting “stuff” (scrapbook supplies, power rangers stuff for son, Beanie Babies, Pez dispensers, Webkinz), FaceBook, reading blogs, watching mindless tv show after tv show, digi-scrapping, buying and selling on e-Bay – which ever behavior was the flavor of the month).  Before Geneen’s books I never saw the connection between all of those behaviors – the thin thread (the intense need to turn off the noise in my head/the hurt or disappointment I was feeling/ the unmet emotional need I was long to have met) that they all had in common.  I don’t know how to deal with uncomfortable feelings so when they come I’ve always pushed them aside, buried them, or numbed them by occupying my mind with some kind of compulsive behavior.  I try to fill my intangible needs with something tangible – for the past few years it’s been food.

Geneen’s books have changed me.  I have a lot of work to do but I will never be the same person that I was before reading her books and letting her insights sink into me.  I’ve highlighted HUNDREDS of statements and sections of her books… I’m so amazed at how much of myself I find in her writing.  She puts into words things I’ve felt for so long and didn’t even know I was feeling them.

Ironically, these new understandings threw me into binge!  I still don’t want to “go there” – into the core of my feelings.  I slowly am, though.  I’m still eating my chocolate Symphony bars when it gets to be too much – but at least I’m aware of it.  It’s not happening unconsciously where I “wake up” and think what the hell did I just do?!  I make the choice to turn off my thoughts with the candy bar and when it’s gone I don’t wallow in guilt over it.  Not a perfect scenario – but it’s a step in the right direction.  Geneen says, “Compulsion and awareness cannot coexist at the same time.”  Once you are aware that you are in the moment of compulsive behavior the “spell is broken”.  Now it’s a choice, not a uncontrolable force.

Geneen was on Oprah recently (although Oprah didn’t give her much opportunity to talk!) and Oprah challenged everyone to read Women Food And God  and DO THE WORK – then come back for the July 12th (I think) show when Geneen will be on again.  Since then I also discovered that Geneen is hosting a 6-week live-online Retreat beginning on Tuesday, May 25th (unfortunately it’s not cheap!). I have to participate, though.  Geneen is my official new Guru!  Ha, ha!  If you haven’t read any of her work but saw her on Oprah – DON’T judge her by that appearance.  Her message is so much deeper, broader, comprehensive, and understandable than what was glimpsed on the show.  At the very least take 30 minutes and sit down with her book at Borders or Barnes and Noble… Good stuff for anyone stuck in compulsive behavior – be it eating, drinking, shopping, blogging, etc…

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Reading and thinking, back to regularly having my ass kicked in Bikram Yoga , trying to make healthy choices yet being kind to myself when I don’t… I’m moving in the right direction.  The numbers on the scale have even begun moving in the right direction, too.  I’m going put the scale away for a while, though… I have some deeper issues to focus on.


Thanks for checking in on me!

~ Angie



12 Responses to "I really Appreciate YOU! (((hugs)))"

I’m glad that things are looking up and that you have found something that speaks to you. Or I guess I should say someONE. I saw her on Oprah and she did not resonate as much with me, but I have heard that her earlier books strike a chord for many. I do find bits and pieces from her and from Beck and from some other books that have been recommended. Little pieces that make sense to me.

I so agree with you – about finding the happy balance that is doable long-term. I also have so much more control when I am actually dieting to lose than when I am trying to maintain. Sigh.

Hi Karen!

Geneen’s Oprah appearance was really disappointing – it did not do her message justice. After reading your comment I edited my post to include: “If you haven’t read any of her work but saw her on Oprah – DON’T judge her by that appearance. Her message is so much deeper, broader, comprehensive, and understandable than what was glimpsed on the show. At the very least take 30 minutes and sit down with her book at Borders or Barnes and Noble… Good stuff for anyone stuck in compulsive behavior – be it eating, drinking, shopping, blogging, etc…”

I know not everyone benefits in the same way from the same information but I SOOOOO believe that ANYONE struggling with eating issues would be helped by reading her. IMHO anyway! 😉

Thanks for commenting!

Thank God you’re back…I’ve missed you. I know that you are on the right path and you will figure out how to apply the principals she talks about to your own life. I’m so happy you’re not giving up. I’ve been rooting for you!

I’m glad you’re back. You can do this. I, too, have been struggling – Karen even gave me a cyber kick in the pants, which I needed desparately.

I’m glad you are finding something that resonates with you. I’ve long said the weight isn’t about the food. I spent a lot of time binging over the years, and I really needed to get to the bottom of WHY before I could truly move on. A good mental mechanic helped me process a lot of that stuff.

Even now, I know that when I start slipping into those behaviors, it’s a sign that i need a tune-up of sorts.

I will tell you what others have been telling me lately – love yourself for you. I’ve also decided I needed to respect myself enough to take care of me – I hope you can do the same. Hang in there girl!

Yesss I am reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, it is so interesting. I’m glad you’re taking so much away from her books!

I am reading her current book too. I wrote a blog post about it and she left a lovely comment. I am excited to also read her other books. I have always thought her teachings was the “thing” happening to me, but I have to get to the changing of my mindset and I am sure her books will get me to do that. Thanks for sharing.

Actually, I went ahead and reserved her book from the library the first time I saw a blogger write about it. Unfortunately, the waiting list is quite long. But I will check it out eventually. And inspiration is a good thing.

Found you through the Blogroll. Hope you come back to blogging soon. There is a lot of support in the blogging community. I also have started to read Geneen’s books-I hope they renew your momentum. You can do it, Angie! Come back to the blogging world… there are many of us who will support you. Michele

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________* * ANGIE * *________

They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.

This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...

Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.

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