Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

Is there REALLY a middle ground?

Posted on: May 9, 2011

The Energizer Bunny

Today was a very productive day – yet even on a good day my brain questions whether or not it’s really a good thing… now that doesn’t seem fair does it?!

Today I made M breakfast, packed him a lunch, drove him to school, went grocery shopping (bought NO junk food), stopped at the library to return and pick up books, took used batteries to school for recycling, picked up dry cleaning, ran into another grocery store for items I forgot the first time, stopped at book store for a book I’ve wanted, prepared food to stock the fridge for the week (chili, bbq drumsticks, cold chicken/fruit/nut salad, roasted sweet potatoes, hard-boiled eggs, cleaned fruit) emptied and filled dishwasher (twice), ate healthy food all day, made a few phone calls I’d been procrastinating on, gathered all the garbages throughout the house, made kids after school snacks, drove M to baseball practice and sat there for 1.5 hours, picked S up from baseball practice, organized the drinks in the garage (larger job than it sounds!), and a few other things, I’m sure!

I’m quite happy with all I accomplished BUT part of the pride I’m experiencing is from feeling as though – TODAY I behaved like a good mom SHOULD.  That can’t be right, can it?  I mean is that the typical day of a typical mom who doesn’t deal with clinical depression?

It also seems as though I went from 0 (Mom-Zombie) to 100 (Super Mom) miles an hour in the past 2 weeks.  Where is the middle ground?  I’d like to cruise at 50 miles an hour for a while…

Still, it is really nice to have a sense of accomplishment after being lethargic and unengaged for so long.  Okay, Brain, quit looking for the negative and just enjoy the ride.

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Mother’s Day

I had a lovely Mother’s Day.  The kids and J brought me breakfast in bed, cards filled with love, a 3-month subscription to Hulu, cleaned the kitchen, and J took me to Morton’s Steakhouse for dinner.  They done good!  J and I had a pretty good talk at dinner.  It was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t 90% about the kids!  I got my Mother’s Day cards in the mail on time this year (for my Mom, my mother-in-law, my stepmom, and both of my sisters).  I usually send the Moms a photo album of the past year’s highlights.  I forgot this year, but did NOT beat myself up over it (for a change).  Maybe I’ll get them done for Father’s Day instead?

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Our TV Knows a Trick

This is a surprising thing to be happy about but our family room tv has been broken for about a week now.  Every time we turn it on – it turns itself off.  I’ve realized I don’t really mind – this from a girl who is normally drawn to the tv like a moth to a flame!  The silence isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I listen to music a little more often.  The kids and I played games over the weekend. The family room stays much cleaner (as no one’s eating in front of the tv!).  I don’t even know who was sent home on American Idol last week – but I don’t care either.  I’m not ready to commit to not repairing or buying a new one but I’m very pleasantly surprised at how content I am without the tv.

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FEAR

I have a very simple goal in the fore front of my mind right now – I want to  feel better.  Granted, my depression has lifted so I automatically feel better but I want to be prepared for the next time it returns.  I know there are a lot of things that I can do to facilitate feeling better and one of them is definitely getting in better shape but this time I’m NOT making any declarations of losing weight (no before and after photos, no scale watching, no food monitoring, no strict food deprivations).  I’m also not going to put any demands of exercising on myself.  I’m simply going to make better eating choices and move more.  I know what to do and all that tracking of my progress only sets me up to fail, eventually.  Once I get going – I get obsessed it with it and my need for perfection sets in and then I crash and burn.  So I’m keeping it as fail-proof as possible – eat better and move more, eat better and move more, eat better and move more…

That being said, I’d really like to return to Bikram Yoga (the 90-minute hot yoga class) but am really afraid.  I’m afraid I can’t do it in my current condition (I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was the last time I started).  I’m afraid to try and give up again.  I’m uncomfortable (afraid) of what people with think when they see me (all 260 pounds) in a class.  I don’t even want J or the kids to know I’m considering it in case I’m unable to commit to it.  I really loved the way I felt when I was going regularly – the peace of mind, the pride, the way my body was changing, how strong I felt, the awesome sense of accomplishment…  I want to feel those things again but I’m so afraid.  I’ve been trying to prepare myself mentally for returning to class.  I have a coupon for 2 months of unlimited classes at a studio I’ve never been to.  I bought my after class coconut water (ha, ha – that just sounds so funny to me).  I’ve printed the class schedule.  I’ve painted my toes (yes, that is important in a yoga class)!  I’ve even tried to “see” myself in class – doing the poses – feeling the stretch – embracing the heat and sweat…  I just can’t seem to get over the fear-of-failure-hurdle.  No matter how simple my ultimate goal is (feel better, eat better, move more) – going to class and not being able to stay in the room would be a FAILURE.  That’s the main rule – DON’T leave the class.  For me, signing up for the 2 weeks and NOT GOING 2 or 3 times a week would be a FAILURE.

My head  knows the “answers” – face the fear, the first class will be the hardest, start slower by exercising at home, yada yada… but my heart just longs to be able to succeed in the class – NOW.  Anything less than going and being able to do it NOW feels like failure.  So how do I get past THAT – that’s the answer my head can’t wrap itself around.  And why does failing seem so intolerable to me?

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~ Moments of J*O*Y ~

I lost my credit/debit card this afternoon and as I was on my way to the bank – the bank called ME and said someone just turned in my card to the very location I was driving to!  I was good-samaritaned!!  Yeah!  I was thrilled 🙂 .

While grocery shopping I was briefly overwhelmed with the magical scents in the laundry aisle – it was just like a laundry/fabric softener commercial!  If I had had more time I would have lingered!  Ha, ha!

Tried a new flavor bbq sauce on drumsticks today – Sweet Baby Rays Honey Chipotle – it is OMG Good!  Seriously, seriously Good!

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Well, it’s been a long day.  I haven’t watched 1 minute of tv and I’m ready to lay in bed and watch something F*U*N – How I Met Your Mother and Mike & Molly are on tonight!  🙂  F*U*N

*  Angie  *

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________* * ANGIE * *________



They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.



This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...


Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.


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