Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

Oops! I Did It Again…

Posted on: July 27, 2012

I Succeeded Only to Fail… Once Again…

Almost exactly a year ago I set out on the simple journey to Eat Better, Move More.  I didn’t stick to any hard and fast rules I just tried to make better choices over and over again all day long.  After all, many small “better choices” in one day, all week long, month after month can add up to one heck of a successful lifestyle change.  And it did.  For the second time, in a few years, I lost over 50 pounds in under 5 months.  I felt great (almost a little high on life).  I don’t know why I didn’t take the time to blog about it, but I think I just didn’t want to focus too much light on it, if that makes sense???  I just wanted to work my little idea and Eat Better, Move More.

During that time I got a part-time job, I returned to Bikram Yoga, I bought new clothes in the smallest size I’d bought in probably a decade (regular XL tops, 16 pants), I could actually run without pain!, I wowed everyone during the Holidays, got my nose pierced (only kept it a week, though, it wasn’t really me), I made it through the Holidays with only a slight weight gain that I quickly lost in January, THEN (insert foreboding music here) I set myself up for failure by biting off more than I could chew with a Bikram 30-day challenge.  I failed to even come close to finishing it, fell into a depression that snowballed (been riding the clinical depression train for over 20 years), had to switch to a new psychiatrist (that I don’t really care for), found myself severely uninfatuated with the part-time job and blamed my husband for wanting me to work at a waste-of-time $9/hr job, resumed my sugar-addiction-bingeing ways, started a new position that had me waking up at 4am and making me feel like a zombie once my shift was over, and VIOLA within 5 months ALL the weight was backTHUD.  The perfect storm (many negative events in a row) hit me and I succumbed to the weight of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed.  Gravity just seemed to be too strong on me and kept me down… again… which brings us up-to-date.

So where am I today? 

The Bad:  I’m uncomfortable in my body – SUPER uncomfortable, as in I have to change position and have a hard time at work because I’m so damn swollen and sore.  My energy level is a negative 25%.  My sugary diet gives me GAS!!  I have very few clothes that fit since I gave away my “fat” clothes!  I have back pain and shoulder pain and I’m avoiding visiting family that saw me over the Holidays because I’m embarrassed.  That part is really sad, I know.  I feel pathetic.

The Good:  I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.  I KNOW my Eat Better, Move More philosophy is simple enough to follow and that it WORKS.  Ambilify has been added to my anti-depressants and seems to be helping.  I’ve finally gotten use to my new work shift and actually like it – AND the girls I work with – it’s actually a little fun now.  I’ve found some inspiration to cook again AND to “fancy up” the house (I’ve been uninterested in both for a very long time).  We’re preparing for a garage sale and are slowly decluttering (moving it into the garage.  De-cluttering feels so good.  My family loves me – they haven’t shown any disappointment in me – all the disappointment I feel in self-inflicted and I have the power to stop it.  Have I mentioned that I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.

SOOOoooo…. What Now?

Do I make another “pledge” to fight the good fight?  Nope.  Do I re-commit to my previous re-commitments?  Nope.  Do I forgive my self for past failures and just love myself more (eye roll)?  Nope.  Been there – done that – failed miserably and what I say doesn’t matter any where near as much as what I do.  I’m just gonna Eat Better, Move More.  However little the adjustment is will be better than where I am now.

Today’s Plan?  I’m going to fill my weekly vitamin container today – vitamins are good.  I’m gonna drink some water today.  Water is BETTER than pop, right?, and Better is Better!  And to Move More I’m going to work in the office – organizing and de-cluttering for a while (even 15 minutes is More than nothing…).  Simple goals that even a sloth should be able to accomplish today!!  Sloth – not a very nice self-comparison but I’m still disappointed in myself and the only way I’ll beat that feeling is to make myself proud again. One small choice at a time.

The truth – I’m afraid to try, suceed, and fail again.  But I was afraid last time, too, so I guess I’ll just try anyway.  The alternative isn’t a better scenario (the alternative is being bed-ridden becasue I’m too huge to move!)  I’m 5’8″ and about 250 pounds.  I can do better than that (and no, I’m not even close to bed-ridden size but it could happen…)

*******  Eat Better, Move More  *******

and to end this post on a little higher note….

~  Some M*O*M*E*N*T*S of recent J*O*Y  ~

*  Tried a new cookie recipe that turned out great – love finding new “keeper” recipes! *

*  Recently started watching “Monk” reruns – he makes me laugh!  *

*  I’m a few years – okay a LOT of years – behind the trend but I started reading the Harry Potter series – they’re fun, quick reads.  And a nice little escape from reality  *

~  Angie  ~

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1 Response to "Oops! I Did It Again…"

Your post moved me. I haven’t been blogging myself lately, but I can relate to some of what you shared. I appreciate and admire that it was honest. I don’t know how many others read your posts, but I wanted to let you know that I am still rooting for you. I need to get back to basics myself but am finding it difficult. After 150 came off, almost 50 came back on. I really want to lose about 35 now — to get down to about 158, give or take a couple.

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________* * ANGIE * *________



They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.



This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...


Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.


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