Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

Archive for the ‘Bikram Yoga’ Category

The third time IS the charm:

I did EVERY pose today.

For me, that is HUGE.

I’ve done Bikram on and off for 3 years.

This is my third time starting over in the hot room.

I’ve only done every pose of a class – TWICE before…

This was number 3.

I’m 60 pounds overweight.

That DIDN’T matter, though.

ROCKED that class.

PLANTED myself in the front row.

I was filled with DETERMINATION.

DID NOT allow a negative thought in.

I watched my EYES.

I PUSHED myself.

I was REWARDED with pride.

I’m so very PROUD of myself.

So, SOOOO worth it.

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Eating Better, Moving More

Angie

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Weight Watchers Anyone?

I wonder how many blogs have a Weight Watchers (WW) posts in them this January?  I’m so cliché!  Actually, I joined back in September of 2012 – I just haven’t blogged about it.  This post is proof that it is working, though, because I only seem to find the energy and interest to blog when I’m losing weight and feeling good!  I’m enjoying my journey into the world of WW.  I have a great Leader and I really enjoy the process of re-learning things I’d forgotten and learning things that I hadn’t taken the time to learn in the past.  I’m finally building healthy routines instead of just losing weight.  In many ways I’m actually kind of living as though I’m maintaining as not much will change even when I reach my goal.  I feel very healthy right now.

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My Recent Weigh-In Numbers:

My WIs have been very positive and considering I took a week-long vacation and went through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s.  I think I’m losing at a good pace.  So far I’ve lost 28.6 pounds in 14 weeks.  It’s looked like this:

Start Weight 263  09-26-12
W1   -7.6      255.4
W2   -1.4      254.0
W3   -6.0     248.0
W4   -1.8      246.2
W5  +0.4      246.6
W6    ~ vacation ~
W7  +2.8      249.4
W8   -2.8      246.6
W9   -4.6      242.0
W10 -1.4       238.0
W11 -1.8       236.2
W12 ————–
W13      0      236.2
W14  -1.6      234.6

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Bikram, Sweet Bikram:

As of January I’ve returned to my Bikram Yoga practice.  I so love to hate it and want to really master it but “Oh My God!” it’s hard.  I’ve been searching and searching for someone out there with a blog that combines a Weight Watchers journey with a Bikram journey but haven’t had much luck…

I’m off to a really strong start as I get re-acquainted with the heat.  I’ve gone to 9 classes this year and have been getting really close to doing two of every pose in the 26 pose series.  Today I did all of the floor poses.  I was quite proud of myself.  The instructor delivered his dialogue as fast as an auctioneer or horse race commentator – it’s FAST!  I love it because I don’t have anytime to let my thoughts wander or get negative.  I’m loving it so far.  I have to be careful to not set myself up to “fail” by trying to go too often or take on a 30-day challenge.  Last time I did that I had a couple of bad classes and got so down on myself that I quit.  Yes, I quit too easily last time.  After that EVERYTHING fell apart.  But that was then and this is now and now is good so I’m going to focus on now.

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Yep, Now is good.

~ Eating Better, Moving More ~

Angie

Permission to ROCK Slip

On this day, January 7, 2012, you, Angie, officially have my permission to ROCK the following 30 days of Bikram Yoga. This permission slip includes the following provisions:

  1. When your work schedule doesn’t allow you to attend a class, you have my permission to practice at home, (absolutely guilt-free). You have the tools and you have the desire so get in that heated bathroom and make yourself proud!
  2. Following a rough class, (everyone has them), you have my permission to be proud of the fact that you made it to class and stayed in the room. It’s yoga practice,– not yoga perfect.
  3. Most importantly, you have my permission to relax into your yoga bubble, taking one pose at a time, and taking to your knee when you have to. There’s no need to anticipate or dread any pose because you have my full permission to embrace each struggle as it appears then blow the memory away as you meet your eyes in the mirror and breathe.

camel glowing

Good Camel. Good Life.

Angie – I Give You Permission to Be Good to Yourself.

Love, Angie

The Energizer Bunny

Today was a very productive day – yet even on a good day my brain questions whether or not it’s really a good thing… now that doesn’t seem fair does it?!

Today I made M breakfast, packed him a lunch, drove him to school, went grocery shopping (bought NO junk food), stopped at the library to return and pick up books, took used batteries to school for recycling, picked up dry cleaning, ran into another grocery store for items I forgot the first time, stopped at book store for a book I’ve wanted, prepared food to stock the fridge for the week (chili, bbq drumsticks, cold chicken/fruit/nut salad, roasted sweet potatoes, hard-boiled eggs, cleaned fruit) emptied and filled dishwasher (twice), ate healthy food all day, made a few phone calls I’d been procrastinating on, gathered all the garbages throughout the house, made kids after school snacks, drove M to baseball practice and sat there for 1.5 hours, picked S up from baseball practice, organized the drinks in the garage (larger job than it sounds!), and a few other things, I’m sure!

I’m quite happy with all I accomplished BUT part of the pride I’m experiencing is from feeling as though – TODAY I behaved like a good mom SHOULD.  That can’t be right, can it?  I mean is that the typical day of a typical mom who doesn’t deal with clinical depression?

It also seems as though I went from 0 (Mom-Zombie) to 100 (Super Mom) miles an hour in the past 2 weeks.  Where is the middle ground?  I’d like to cruise at 50 miles an hour for a while…

Still, it is really nice to have a sense of accomplishment after being lethargic and unengaged for so long.  Okay, Brain, quit looking for the negative and just enjoy the ride.

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Mother’s Day

I had a lovely Mother’s Day.  The kids and J brought me breakfast in bed, cards filled with love, a 3-month subscription to Hulu, cleaned the kitchen, and J took me to Morton’s Steakhouse for dinner.  They done good!  J and I had a pretty good talk at dinner.  It was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t 90% about the kids!  I got my Mother’s Day cards in the mail on time this year (for my Mom, my mother-in-law, my stepmom, and both of my sisters).  I usually send the Moms a photo album of the past year’s highlights.  I forgot this year, but did NOT beat myself up over it (for a change).  Maybe I’ll get them done for Father’s Day instead?

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Our TV Knows a Trick

This is a surprising thing to be happy about but our family room tv has been broken for about a week now.  Every time we turn it on – it turns itself off.  I’ve realized I don’t really mind – this from a girl who is normally drawn to the tv like a moth to a flame!  The silence isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I listen to music a little more often.  The kids and I played games over the weekend. The family room stays much cleaner (as no one’s eating in front of the tv!).  I don’t even know who was sent home on American Idol last week – but I don’t care either.  I’m not ready to commit to not repairing or buying a new one but I’m very pleasantly surprised at how content I am without the tv.

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FEAR

I have a very simple goal in the fore front of my mind right now – I want to  feel better.  Granted, my depression has lifted so I automatically feel better but I want to be prepared for the next time it returns.  I know there are a lot of things that I can do to facilitate feeling better and one of them is definitely getting in better shape but this time I’m NOT making any declarations of losing weight (no before and after photos, no scale watching, no food monitoring, no strict food deprivations).  I’m also not going to put any demands of exercising on myself.  I’m simply going to make better eating choices and move more.  I know what to do and all that tracking of my progress only sets me up to fail, eventually.  Once I get going – I get obsessed it with it and my need for perfection sets in and then I crash and burn.  So I’m keeping it as fail-proof as possible – eat better and move more, eat better and move more, eat better and move more…

That being said, I’d really like to return to Bikram Yoga (the 90-minute hot yoga class) but am really afraid.  I’m afraid I can’t do it in my current condition (I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was the last time I started).  I’m afraid to try and give up again.  I’m uncomfortable (afraid) of what people with think when they see me (all 260 pounds) in a class.  I don’t even want J or the kids to know I’m considering it in case I’m unable to commit to it.  I really loved the way I felt when I was going regularly – the peace of mind, the pride, the way my body was changing, how strong I felt, the awesome sense of accomplishment…  I want to feel those things again but I’m so afraid.  I’ve been trying to prepare myself mentally for returning to class.  I have a coupon for 2 months of unlimited classes at a studio I’ve never been to.  I bought my after class coconut water (ha, ha – that just sounds so funny to me).  I’ve printed the class schedule.  I’ve painted my toes (yes, that is important in a yoga class)!  I’ve even tried to “see” myself in class – doing the poses – feeling the stretch – embracing the heat and sweat…  I just can’t seem to get over the fear-of-failure-hurdle.  No matter how simple my ultimate goal is (feel better, eat better, move more) – going to class and not being able to stay in the room would be a FAILURE.  That’s the main rule – DON’T leave the class.  For me, signing up for the 2 weeks and NOT GOING 2 or 3 times a week would be a FAILURE.

My head  knows the “answers” – face the fear, the first class will be the hardest, start slower by exercising at home, yada yada… but my heart just longs to be able to succeed in the class – NOW.  Anything less than going and being able to do it NOW feels like failure.  So how do I get past THAT – that’s the answer my head can’t wrap itself around.  And why does failing seem so intolerable to me?

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~ Moments of J*O*Y ~

I lost my credit/debit card this afternoon and as I was on my way to the bank – the bank called ME and said someone just turned in my card to the very location I was driving to!  I was good-samaritaned!!  Yeah!  I was thrilled 🙂 .

While grocery shopping I was briefly overwhelmed with the magical scents in the laundry aisle – it was just like a laundry/fabric softener commercial!  If I had had more time I would have lingered!  Ha, ha!

Tried a new flavor bbq sauce on drumsticks today – Sweet Baby Rays Honey Chipotle – it is OMG Good!  Seriously, seriously Good!

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Well, it’s been a long day.  I haven’t watched 1 minute of tv and I’m ready to lay in bed and watch something F*U*N – How I Met Your Mother and Mike & Molly are on tonight!  🙂  F*U*N

*  Angie  *

Thank you for all of your encouraging comments and e-mails regarding my last post.  I was too down to take the time to reply – but each and every one of them made me S*m*i*l*e!

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I’m feeling less out of control, which is good.  I’m feeling quite confused about what to eat, though.  Obviously the plan I followed faithfully for 15 weeks worked like a charm for weight loss, but it (also obviously), isn’t one that I can or am willing to follow for the rest of my life.  In many ways all I did was trade one compulsive food behavior for another.  I don’t want to constantly watch the clock to see when I’m “supposed” to eat next, plan every meal ahead of time, feel too weak-willed to eat out, log everything I eat (another compulsive behavior), and focus so much time and energy on weight loss.  That level of control is just not maintainable long-term.  There has got to be a way to live comfortably in moderation – somewhere between the binge and a life of deprivation.

I think Geneen Roth may have my answers.  I stumbled upon her books just before I realized that Oprah was also swept away with her insights.  I borrowed every book she’d ever written from the library, eventually buying most of them along with many of her audio downloads.  It seems as though every page has some truth that speaks to me deep down in my core – the place that I rarely allow myself to visit but instead numb its voice with compulsive behavior (eating, shopping, shop-lifting as a teen (*blush*), collecting “stuff” (scrapbook supplies, power rangers stuff for son, Beanie Babies, Pez dispensers, Webkinz), FaceBook, reading blogs, watching mindless tv show after tv show, digi-scrapping, buying and selling on e-Bay – which ever behavior was the flavor of the month).  Before Geneen’s books I never saw the connection between all of those behaviors – the thin thread (the intense need to turn off the noise in my head/the hurt or disappointment I was feeling/ the unmet emotional need I was long to have met) that they all had in common.  I don’t know how to deal with uncomfortable feelings so when they come I’ve always pushed them aside, buried them, or numbed them by occupying my mind with some kind of compulsive behavior.  I try to fill my intangible needs with something tangible – for the past few years it’s been food.

Geneen’s books have changed me.  I have a lot of work to do but I will never be the same person that I was before reading her books and letting her insights sink into me.  I’ve highlighted HUNDREDS of statements and sections of her books… I’m so amazed at how much of myself I find in her writing.  She puts into words things I’ve felt for so long and didn’t even know I was feeling them.

Ironically, these new understandings threw me into binge!  I still don’t want to “go there” – into the core of my feelings.  I slowly am, though.  I’m still eating my chocolate Symphony bars when it gets to be too much – but at least I’m aware of it.  It’s not happening unconsciously where I “wake up” and think what the hell did I just do?!  I make the choice to turn off my thoughts with the candy bar and when it’s gone I don’t wallow in guilt over it.  Not a perfect scenario – but it’s a step in the right direction.  Geneen says, “Compulsion and awareness cannot coexist at the same time.”  Once you are aware that you are in the moment of compulsive behavior the “spell is broken”.  Now it’s a choice, not a uncontrolable force.

Geneen was on Oprah recently (although Oprah didn’t give her much opportunity to talk!) and Oprah challenged everyone to read Women Food And God  and DO THE WORK – then come back for the July 12th (I think) show when Geneen will be on again.  Since then I also discovered that Geneen is hosting a 6-week live-online Retreat beginning on Tuesday, May 25th (unfortunately it’s not cheap!). I have to participate, though.  Geneen is my official new Guru!  Ha, ha!  If you haven’t read any of her work but saw her on Oprah – DON’T judge her by that appearance.  Her message is so much deeper, broader, comprehensive, and understandable than what was glimpsed on the show.  At the very least take 30 minutes and sit down with her book at Borders or Barnes and Noble… Good stuff for anyone stuck in compulsive behavior – be it eating, drinking, shopping, blogging, etc…

Well, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Reading and thinking, back to regularly having my ass kicked in Bikram Yoga , trying to make healthy choices yet being kind to myself when I don’t… I’m moving in the right direction.  The numbers on the scale have even begun moving in the right direction, too.  I’m going put the scale away for a while, though… I have some deeper issues to focus on.

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Thanks for checking in on me!

~ Angie

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Meatless Mondays!

Isn’t that a great idea?!  I think it’ll inspire me to get a little more c*R*e*A*t*I*v*E with my veggie intake.  It’s gotten pretty boring and I find I eat more healthy fruit carbs than healthy veggie carbs (not a horrible thing but I could definitely use more veggies).  I’m not worried about a lack of protein on Mondays as after two meals today (protein shake and protein-filled yogurty goodness) I’ve already gotten 44 grams of protein and 30 grams of fiber in for the day!  For dinner I’m really going out of my comfort zone by trying a Rachael Ray faux Stuffed Eggplant dish (I’m gonna substitute mushrooms for the meat).  I’ve never cooked eggplant… so exciting, huh?!  Ha, ha.

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~ Moments of J*O*Y ~

It’s been a while since I stopped to recognize all the good things going on in my life. Since ~ Moments of Joy ~ was such an obvious alliteration with Meatless Monday’s I KNEW today was the day to stop and reflect!  I love a good alliteration!  🙂  So without further ado ~

~ I ‘ve finally found the perfect shade of toe nail polish to really accentuate my “yoga toes” and make me S*M*I*L*E!  It’s Maybelline Express Finish #170 Crimson.  It’s the perfect red.  I’m gonna load up on it the next time I shop!

~  I had a big weight loss this week!  I’ll post my numbers tomorrow in my food journal but my total loss is now 45 lbs!  I was hoping to lose 41 lbs by my 41 st birthday (April 12th, which is still 20 days away) and I’ve already achieved that goal!  Maybe 51 lbs is in reach????

~  I bit the bullet and invested in the Hot Yoga Master Class Instructional book and videos by Gabrielle Raiz.  It was, indeed, an investment but I’m sooooo glad I did it.  The book is amazing – clear precise directions, great photos, wonderful advice on common pose errors and how to fix them.  It will really help me to get the best of my Hot Yoga practice.

~  Speaking of yoga – today was the first day that I was able to fully do and hold both Camel Poses completely to the release.  The Camel is one of the harder poses for me to hold.  I feel really dizzy and tingley afterwards and that wakes up the “fight or flight response” inside me and makes me want to R*U*N out of the room!  I did it, though!  I did it ~ I did it ~ I did it!  Yeah Me.

~  Last Thursday I let myself call the cleaning service to clean the house.  This is not something I can afford to do very often but we’re expecting a decent tax refund and the house REALLY needed it so… It was a glorious treat.  There is not much that makes me happier than having a REALLY clean house that I didn’t have to do myself.  She contently S*..I*..G*..H*..S*……

 

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Quotes I recently fell in love with –

Falling is learning how not to fall. – Gabrielle Raiz

It takes as much courage to have tried and failed as it does to have tried and succeeded. – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 

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~ Thanks for stopping by!  Do yourself a favor and take the time to recognize your own ~ Moments of J*O*Y ~ It’s a W*O*N*D*E*R*F*U*L boost to your day, spirit, and mood.  – Angie

*

Time for a Healthy You Challenge Check-In:

I’m doing pretty good – but just not feeling very good about what I’m doing… does that make sense?  I’m going through the motions, sticking to my plan, reading inspirational blogs and books, exercising regularly, logging my calories, yada, yada, yada but I’M CRABBY and despite doing it all right – I have NO MOTIVATION.  I’m not enjoying any of it – even my results.  And I have NO ENERGY.  Thud.

I DID have one HUGE FAIL this week.  I walked out of my Bikram Yoga Class.  That may not sound like a big fail to you – but the only real rule in the class is to NOT LEAVE THE ROOM.  Even if you have to lay down through most of it – DON’T LEAVE THE ROOM.  This was the only class that I walked out of in 7 weeks.

My last woe-is-me comment for the post is that after losing 36 pounds in 6.5 weeks (about 6 pounds a week) I’ve only lost 2 pounds in the last 12 days.  I know, I know – I was losing too fast in the beginning but it sure was F*U*N! 

I’ve decided to up my calories.  I’m not hungry or anything but I think my weekly calorie average has been too low.  Maybe that will give my energy level a boost?!  I’m also going to take a few days off from Yoga and do some other exercise.  Maybe I’m a little burnt out on it…  Okay, on to something better.

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Here a few of the posts that I found this week that “spoke” to me, made me think, or gave me a smile:

Rachel sent me this link to Christina’s post on Good Food vs. Bad Food – It really made me think about how I catorigize my foods.

Anonymous Fat Girl has a great post on experiencing a lack of quick results.   She’s right – we live in a microwave society.

You HAVE to see this picture on Ann’s blog!  Now THAT’s a REAL Barbie!

 

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This commercial really made me laugh – how brave is she for supporting this product?  F*U*N*N*Y!

 

 

~ Well here’s to a successful week for all of us – Angie

 


________* * ANGIE * *________



They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.



This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...


Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.


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