Isla de Angela ~ gaining inner peace, losing extra weight

Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

I want to quit

Quit what?  My job.  Yoga.  Weight Watchers.  Housework.  Yes, yes, yes, yes.  I REALLY don’t want to quit but I keep having the thought run through my head – When I’m at work it sounds like, “I hate this job.  This is so boring.  I hardly make any money. What’s the point? I should have called in sick.”  During yoga the quitter in me says, “Why am I here?  I’m hot and tired. I want to sit this one out.  I’m hot and tired. I want to leave early.  Maybe I should take a bathroom break.”  When I’m almost out of points for the day (or faced with a dessert I really want) that damn quitter YELLS, “Just eat it.  One brownie won’t hurt.  You can start again tomorrow.  Quick, no one is looking.”  And housework – I’ve basically already quit that, ha-ha.  So what I’ve come to realize is that the more I entertain thoughts of quitting the more I have thoughts of quitting.  And thinking of quitting in one area of my life makes it easier to consider quitting in other areas, too.

So what’s a quitter to do?  How do I get these thoughts to exit my head once and for all?  I know the answer but don’t know how to really implement it.  The answer?  Dr. Beck gave it to me when she said, “Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either “resist” or “give in” next time.”  The same can be said about quitting, too – ie. the more often we quit the easier it gets to quit.  Another helpful idea is one I found on cravings, “A craving ends when we definitely decide to eat the temptation or to not eat it.  The final decision is what makes the craving go away.”  So like I said I know the answer, but how does one really go about riding their mind of quitting when something gets too hard?  I know I’m not going to quit any of those things but the desire is always there.  I want the desire to go away.  I want to accept my situations and do the work to get through them without dwelling on the idea of quitting.

UGH.  I wish I could master my brain.  Sometimes it works so well, ya know?  I guess it’s true that your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy…

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Eating Better. Moving More.

Angie

I Succeeded Only to Fail… Once Again…

Almost exactly a year ago I set out on the simple journey to Eat Better, Move More.  I didn’t stick to any hard and fast rules I just tried to make better choices over and over again all day long.  After all, many small “better choices” in one day, all week long, month after month can add up to one heck of a successful lifestyle change.  And it did.  For the second time, in a few years, I lost over 50 pounds in under 5 months.  I felt great (almost a little high on life).  I don’t know why I didn’t take the time to blog about it, but I think I just didn’t want to focus too much light on it, if that makes sense???  I just wanted to work my little idea and Eat Better, Move More.

During that time I got a part-time job, I returned to Bikram Yoga, I bought new clothes in the smallest size I’d bought in probably a decade (regular XL tops, 16 pants), I could actually run without pain!, I wowed everyone during the Holidays, got my nose pierced (only kept it a week, though, it wasn’t really me), I made it through the Holidays with only a slight weight gain that I quickly lost in January, THEN (insert foreboding music here) I set myself up for failure by biting off more than I could chew with a Bikram 30-day challenge.  I failed to even come close to finishing it, fell into a depression that snowballed (been riding the clinical depression train for over 20 years), had to switch to a new psychiatrist (that I don’t really care for), found myself severely uninfatuated with the part-time job and blamed my husband for wanting me to work at a waste-of-time $9/hr job, resumed my sugar-addiction-bingeing ways, started a new position that had me waking up at 4am and making me feel like a zombie once my shift was over, and VIOLA within 5 months ALL the weight was backTHUD.  The perfect storm (many negative events in a row) hit me and I succumbed to the weight of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed.  Gravity just seemed to be too strong on me and kept me down… again… which brings us up-to-date.

So where am I today? 

The Bad:  I’m uncomfortable in my body – SUPER uncomfortable, as in I have to change position and have a hard time at work because I’m so damn swollen and sore.  My energy level is a negative 25%.  My sugary diet gives me GAS!!  I have very few clothes that fit since I gave away my “fat” clothes!  I have back pain and shoulder pain and I’m avoiding visiting family that saw me over the Holidays because I’m embarrassed.  That part is really sad, I know.  I feel pathetic.

The Good:  I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.  I KNOW my Eat Better, Move More philosophy is simple enough to follow and that it WORKS.  Ambilify has been added to my anti-depressants and seems to be helping.  I’ve finally gotten use to my new work shift and actually like it – AND the girls I work with – it’s actually a little fun now.  I’ve found some inspiration to cook again AND to “fancy up” the house (I’ve been uninterested in both for a very long time).  We’re preparing for a garage sale and are slowly decluttering (moving it into the garage.  De-cluttering feels so good.  My family loves me – they haven’t shown any disappointment in me – all the disappointment I feel in self-inflicted and I have the power to stop it.  Have I mentioned that I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.

SOOOoooo…. What Now?

Do I make another “pledge” to fight the good fight?  Nope.  Do I re-commit to my previous re-commitments?  Nope.  Do I forgive my self for past failures and just love myself more (eye roll)?  Nope.  Been there – done that – failed miserably and what I say doesn’t matter any where near as much as what I do.  I’m just gonna Eat Better, Move More.  However little the adjustment is will be better than where I am now.

Today’s Plan?  I’m going to fill my weekly vitamin container today – vitamins are good.  I’m gonna drink some water today.  Water is BETTER than pop, right?, and Better is Better!  And to Move More I’m going to work in the office – organizing and de-cluttering for a while (even 15 minutes is More than nothing…).  Simple goals that even a sloth should be able to accomplish today!!  Sloth – not a very nice self-comparison but I’m still disappointed in myself and the only way I’ll beat that feeling is to make myself proud again. One small choice at a time.

The truth – I’m afraid to try, suceed, and fail again.  But I was afraid last time, too, so I guess I’ll just try anyway.  The alternative isn’t a better scenario (the alternative is being bed-ridden becasue I’m too huge to move!)  I’m 5’8″ and about 250 pounds.  I can do better than that (and no, I’m not even close to bed-ridden size but it could happen…)

*******  Eat Better, Move More  *******

and to end this post on a little higher note….

~  Some M*O*M*E*N*T*S of recent J*O*Y  ~

*  Tried a new cookie recipe that turned out great – love finding new “keeper” recipes! *

*  Recently started watching “Monk” reruns – he makes me laugh!  *

*  I’m a few years – okay a LOT of years – behind the trend but I started reading the Harry Potter series – they’re fun, quick reads.  And a nice little escape from reality  *

~  Angie  ~

The Energizer Bunny

Today was a very productive day – yet even on a good day my brain questions whether or not it’s really a good thing… now that doesn’t seem fair does it?!

Today I made M breakfast, packed him a lunch, drove him to school, went grocery shopping (bought NO junk food), stopped at the library to return and pick up books, took used batteries to school for recycling, picked up dry cleaning, ran into another grocery store for items I forgot the first time, stopped at book store for a book I’ve wanted, prepared food to stock the fridge for the week (chili, bbq drumsticks, cold chicken/fruit/nut salad, roasted sweet potatoes, hard-boiled eggs, cleaned fruit) emptied and filled dishwasher (twice), ate healthy food all day, made a few phone calls I’d been procrastinating on, gathered all the garbages throughout the house, made kids after school snacks, drove M to baseball practice and sat there for 1.5 hours, picked S up from baseball practice, organized the drinks in the garage (larger job than it sounds!), and a few other things, I’m sure!

I’m quite happy with all I accomplished BUT part of the pride I’m experiencing is from feeling as though – TODAY I behaved like a good mom SHOULD.  That can’t be right, can it?  I mean is that the typical day of a typical mom who doesn’t deal with clinical depression?

It also seems as though I went from 0 (Mom-Zombie) to 100 (Super Mom) miles an hour in the past 2 weeks.  Where is the middle ground?  I’d like to cruise at 50 miles an hour for a while…

Still, it is really nice to have a sense of accomplishment after being lethargic and unengaged for so long.  Okay, Brain, quit looking for the negative and just enjoy the ride.

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Mother’s Day

I had a lovely Mother’s Day.  The kids and J brought me breakfast in bed, cards filled with love, a 3-month subscription to Hulu, cleaned the kitchen, and J took me to Morton’s Steakhouse for dinner.  They done good!  J and I had a pretty good talk at dinner.  It was nice to have a conversation that wasn’t 90% about the kids!  I got my Mother’s Day cards in the mail on time this year (for my Mom, my mother-in-law, my stepmom, and both of my sisters).  I usually send the Moms a photo album of the past year’s highlights.  I forgot this year, but did NOT beat myself up over it (for a change).  Maybe I’ll get them done for Father’s Day instead?

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Our TV Knows a Trick

This is a surprising thing to be happy about but our family room tv has been broken for about a week now.  Every time we turn it on – it turns itself off.  I’ve realized I don’t really mind – this from a girl who is normally drawn to the tv like a moth to a flame!  The silence isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  I listen to music a little more often.  The kids and I played games over the weekend. The family room stays much cleaner (as no one’s eating in front of the tv!).  I don’t even know who was sent home on American Idol last week – but I don’t care either.  I’m not ready to commit to not repairing or buying a new one but I’m very pleasantly surprised at how content I am without the tv.

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FEAR

I have a very simple goal in the fore front of my mind right now – I want to  feel better.  Granted, my depression has lifted so I automatically feel better but I want to be prepared for the next time it returns.  I know there are a lot of things that I can do to facilitate feeling better and one of them is definitely getting in better shape but this time I’m NOT making any declarations of losing weight (no before and after photos, no scale watching, no food monitoring, no strict food deprivations).  I’m also not going to put any demands of exercising on myself.  I’m simply going to make better eating choices and move more.  I know what to do and all that tracking of my progress only sets me up to fail, eventually.  Once I get going – I get obsessed it with it and my need for perfection sets in and then I crash and burn.  So I’m keeping it as fail-proof as possible – eat better and move more, eat better and move more, eat better and move more…

That being said, I’d really like to return to Bikram Yoga (the 90-minute hot yoga class) but am really afraid.  I’m afraid I can’t do it in my current condition (I’m 20 pounds heavier than I was the last time I started).  I’m afraid to try and give up again.  I’m uncomfortable (afraid) of what people with think when they see me (all 260 pounds) in a class.  I don’t even want J or the kids to know I’m considering it in case I’m unable to commit to it.  I really loved the way I felt when I was going regularly – the peace of mind, the pride, the way my body was changing, how strong I felt, the awesome sense of accomplishment…  I want to feel those things again but I’m so afraid.  I’ve been trying to prepare myself mentally for returning to class.  I have a coupon for 2 months of unlimited classes at a studio I’ve never been to.  I bought my after class coconut water (ha, ha – that just sounds so funny to me).  I’ve printed the class schedule.  I’ve painted my toes (yes, that is important in a yoga class)!  I’ve even tried to “see” myself in class – doing the poses – feeling the stretch – embracing the heat and sweat…  I just can’t seem to get over the fear-of-failure-hurdle.  No matter how simple my ultimate goal is (feel better, eat better, move more) – going to class and not being able to stay in the room would be a FAILURE.  That’s the main rule – DON’T leave the class.  For me, signing up for the 2 weeks and NOT GOING 2 or 3 times a week would be a FAILURE.

My head  knows the “answers” – face the fear, the first class will be the hardest, start slower by exercising at home, yada yada… but my heart just longs to be able to succeed in the class – NOW.  Anything less than going and being able to do it NOW feels like failure.  So how do I get past THAT – that’s the answer my head can’t wrap itself around.  And why does failing seem so intolerable to me?

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~ Moments of J*O*Y ~

I lost my credit/debit card this afternoon and as I was on my way to the bank – the bank called ME and said someone just turned in my card to the very location I was driving to!  I was good-samaritaned!!  Yeah!  I was thrilled 🙂 .

While grocery shopping I was briefly overwhelmed with the magical scents in the laundry aisle – it was just like a laundry/fabric softener commercial!  If I had had more time I would have lingered!  Ha, ha!

Tried a new flavor bbq sauce on drumsticks today – Sweet Baby Rays Honey Chipotle – it is OMG Good!  Seriously, seriously Good!

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Well, it’s been a long day.  I haven’t watched 1 minute of tv and I’m ready to lay in bed and watch something F*U*N – How I Met Your Mother and Mike & Molly are on tonight!  🙂  F*U*N

*  Angie  *

Where do I start?

Starting over is so hard and so scary (but the first step is the hardest, right?).  Last year I lost 55 pounds in 15 weeks and just when I began to feel that I had finally conquered my relationship with food I promptly gained 60 pounds… With that, some other disappointing going-ons, and dealing with another low point in my 15+ year-battle with depression I sunk into a dark place and spent a whole year there.

A whole year – what a waste!

I don’t want to dwell on that, though.  It is what it is and I’m finally feeling capable of getting a grip on my life, again (AGAIN feels like such a bad word because I’ve had soooOOooooOOooo many AGAINS…).  No elaborate “plans” this time, though – just a simple goal of feeling better. 

I’ve gone back into therapy so I will have a partner to hold me accountable, teach me ways of thinking better thoughts, help me notice obsessive behavior before it takes control, and to guide me in the right direction before I get lost again.  I know I will have to deal with depression for the rest of my life.  I accept that.  It’s time to learn how to not sink so far into it that it takes me a year to crawl back out.

I read an interesting analogy the other day that really hit home for me about the way I’ve always looked at my depression.  I have been stuck in this “Why-am-I-this-way-mentality” as if I understood the “why” it would make dealing with the depression easier.  The analogy was this:

A man is shot with an arrow.  If, before extracting the arrow and tending to his wound, the man insists on knowing the name, family, village, and race of the archer, and what the arrow is made of, how effective is he in dealing with his injury? What needs immediate attention is the situation created by the arrow.”

I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to understand why my brain works the way it does that I don’t deal with the actual depression.  It’s time to deal.

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~ Moments of J*O*Y ~

I love tulips and today I saw 2 gorgeous patches of tulips including my favorite – orange and red streaked.

After therapy I went to Chipotle and had the B*E*S*T pork tacos with guacamole.  I thoroughly enjoyed every “mindful” bite!

Although I didn’t get to see it, my eldest son (who has been in a batting slump) hit a home run today!

There is a new Big Bang Theory on tonight (Sheldon just makes me happy J)
and it’s something my husband and I enjoy watching together.

J and I have nice dinner plans for Mother’s Day this weekend and I was able to find a suitable outfit to wear (hidden deep within my closet…).  I’m not thrilled I had to resort to the “fat clothes” but it’s much better than having to buy an outfit in my current  size!!  The discovery gave me a nice sense of relief…

It felt good to blog again.  I like the color palette of my blog – it captures the light, airy, and peaceful essence that I long to feel on a regular basis.

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Well, I think that’s a good start.  Here’s to dealing with it (cheers!).

 * Angie  *

I want to have confidence like Jessica – this makes me S*M*I*L*E every time I watch it!

 

Good Stuff, huh?

Your turn!  Go declare your greatness in your own bathroom mirror… You don’t have to stand on the counter if you don’t want to!  Ha, ha!

~ Angie

*

 

I’m really losing in the struggle to get back on plan.  I see it.  I’m aware of the lame mind games I’m playing with myself. 

I wake up with determination and by early evening… 

I realize I’m trying to fill an intangible hunger with something tangible (food).  I really realize this.  Realizing it doesn’t make understanding it and overcoming it any easier, though. 

I’ve gained 10 pounds.

I’ve gained 10 pounds.

!$%^#@!!

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Sigh.

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve felt so

L…

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooOoOoOoOoOoOo

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOovoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo……….

W…

I’m still moving.  I’m still on plan.  It just feels like I’m walking through sand while doing it.  It feels like gravity is pulling a little to hard on me (unfortunately, this is a feeling I’ve dealt with on and off for years).  I really admire the bloggers that can put all their emotional thoughts “out there” – I bet it’s a great release.  I think mine would come out as incoherent self-pity, though.   I’m really trying to learn how to FEEL my feelings instead of pushing them inside (or eating them) – but it’s SoOoOoOoOo damned uncomfortable!!!

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Geneen Roth has BLOWN MY LIFE OPEN:

I recently read Geneen Roth’s book – WOMEN FOOD GOD and am now reading her book WHEN FOOD IS LOVE (while awaiting everything else she’s ever written to come in at the library!!).  Her insights into why I binge, why I eat to soothe my emotions, why I never learned to “FEEL” my emotions, why I think the way I do about food, and soOoOoOoOooo many other ‘whys’… haven’t just been AHA Moments for me they’ve been “KABOOM!” –  “HOLY SH*T!” – “MIND BLOWING!” – Moments.  I’m both relieved and scared to understand where these issues came from – relieved to finally know the why and how but scared at how much “healing” I have to do BEFORE I’ll finally be able to fully release this weight burden.  I’ve lost 55 pounds – but haven’t dealt with any of the issues that lead to my weight gain in the first place.  It’s daunting and I think it’s a big part of my sad, heavy feelings over the past couple of weeks…

But her ability to give words to MY thoughts and feelings – I can’t even describe how it’s made me feel… It’s just blown my mind, opened my eyes, and shocked me awake to issues hidden so deep within me that I didn’t even know they were there.  It all makes total sense now.  Uncovering the rest of them, understanding them, accepting them, grieving them, letting them go, recognizing when they try to return… all of that will take some time… the thought that my struggle with food will be conquered once and for all, though – makes my soul feel like it will take flight one day soon.

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An award-deserving post GUARANTEED to motivate you:

Anyone wanting, hoping, and working towards weight loss will L*O*V*E this post by Chris.  Chris has lost One Pound – One Hundred Times and shares how her life has changed since she “put down the food and picked up a life”. Read it – you’ll be inspired!

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What my first 50 pounds looks like:

Lastly, my son helped me take some pictures of what 50 pounds looks like.  When I still have 50 pounds to lose it’s sometimes a little hard to focus on what I HAVE accomplished as opposed to what I have YET to accomplish… 50 pounds looks like this –

and …

 (No, I didn’t actually remove 50 pounds of butter from the store shelf!  I held one then came home, clipped & copied the one box and Photo-Shopped the other 49 in! :})

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~ My mood needs some exercise – come on endorphins… do your stuff! ~

 – Angie

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________* * ANGIE * *________



They say that muscle is heavier "by volume" than fat is, which means 5 lbs. of muscle takes up less space than 5 lbs. of fat within a body. I'm a believer. This totally explains how your clothes begin to fit better even though the numbers on the scale aren' t moving very fast.



This is GROSS. I know. But I'd rather see the fat HERE than on my body...


Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either "resist" or "give in" next time.


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