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What’s a Couple Years Between Posts?
So let’s see… 2 1/2 years ago my last post was about quitting. Basically, I ended up quitting EVERYTHING!! I’ve dealt with depression for over 20 years now but by the summer of 2013 I was at an all time LOOOoooooowww. Way too low to blog then, or even reminisce about now, but since then I’ve been working my way back into rejoining life and am in a better place now. Some things have changed (my job, my medications :)), some things have remained (my weight – UGH!, and the desire to lose some and feel better) and I once again feel like I have something to share with the blogging world! Maybe something I have to say will reach someone out there that needs to hear it? That would be really cool.
Today is Day 10 of my 71-day summer vacation! I’m a school bus driver. I just finished my second school year and I wish I would have started years ago! Having 71 days off during summer AND getting paid (granted only half through unemployment – but still…) is awesome! Seriously, it’s awesome! Even dealing with the handful of unpleasant middle school boys during the school year was worth it. TOTALLY worth it. We have lots of summer plans but at the top of the list… drum roll please… losing weight! Wah, wah, waaaa! So lame, I know, but my years of unhealthy choices have left 2 of my 3 children struggling with their weight now. Yes, I’m kicking myself and I feel horrible that my bad choices are effecting them in this way. I can’t dwell on those thoughts, though, as they don’t help anyone (and who out there hasn’t messed up their kids a little bit? – we ALL have our issues and NONE of us are perfect). All I can do is try to do better, try to teach them to make better choices, and show them that they can be successful IF THEY WANT IT BAD ENOUGH. Right? Right.
Losing Weight Version 2015
Well, I had some success with Weight Watchers and truly enjoyed the comraderie of going to meetings with other loser-wannabees but my boys are 14 and 19… not exactly prime candidates for counting points. I KNOW Weight Watchers offer a way of following the program without counting points (Focusing on Power Foods) but that’s basically a low-carb diet soooooooo I think, as a team, the 3 of us will be more successful focusing on learning and living a low-carb lifestyle. My husband already does and my daughter is a volleyball phenom that works out constantly and can eat whatever she wants – so low-carb works for them, too.
We just started this week and I want to keep track of our progress so dusting off the blog felt like a good place to do that. I’ve chosen to start off with The Fat Fast (Dana Carpender’s Fat Fast Book) just so our bodies will turn from burning sugar for fuel into burning fat for fuel faster and, therefore, the boys will see results a little sooner. We’re on day 3 of 5 and have all seen some loss (yes, some of which is water loss, I know) but it is not super easy to go from eating a plethora of crap carbs to eating next to no carbs! Saturday can’t get here fast enough! We’re having steak and shrimp with salad. We’re ALL dreaming of it!! Drool, drool.
I’ve done low-carb before and one of the side effects was that I often felt euphoric! So whoo hoo! Bring on the euphoria!! Updates to follow!
Eating Better, Moving More
~ Angie ~
Glad to be back!!
I want to quit
Quit what? My job. Yoga. Weight Watchers. Housework. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I REALLY don’t want to quit but I keep having the thought run through my head – When I’m at work it sounds like, “I hate this job. This is so boring. I hardly make any money. What’s the point? I should have called in sick.” During yoga the quitter in me says, “Why am I here? I’m hot and tired. I want to sit this one out. I’m hot and tired. I want to leave early. Maybe I should take a bathroom break.” When I’m almost out of points for the day (or faced with a dessert I really want) that damn quitter YELLS, “Just eat it. One brownie won’t hurt. You can start again tomorrow. Quick, no one is looking.” And housework – I’ve basically already quit that, ha-ha. So what I’ve come to realize is that the more I entertain thoughts of quitting the more I have thoughts of quitting. And thinking of quitting in one area of my life makes it easier to consider quitting in other areas, too.
So what’s a quitter to do? How do I get these thoughts to exit my head once and for all? I know the answer but don’t know how to really implement it. The answer? Dr. Beck gave it to me when she said, “Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either “resist” or “give in” next time.” The same can be said about quitting, too – ie. the more often we quit the easier it gets to quit. Another helpful idea is one I found on cravings, “A craving ends when we definitely decide to eat the temptation or to not eat it. The final decision is what makes the craving go away.” So like I said I know the answer, but how does one really go about riding their mind of quitting when something gets too hard? I know I’m not going to quit any of those things but the desire is always there. I want the desire to go away. I want to accept my situations and do the work to get through them without dwelling on the idea of quitting.
UGH. I wish I could master my brain. Sometimes it works so well, ya know? I guess it’s true that your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy…
Eating Better. Moving More.
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Week 15 Weigh In Results
Down 4.2! Wahoooo! I worked really hard this week and was close to pulling a 5… Thursday I skipped yoga and ate pizza, though – I think that would have given me the .8 I was short but I ain’t gonna sweat it. That .8 will show up this week and it will get me into the 220’s – Wahoooooo!
I did Bikram 6 times between weigh ins last week! I felt really strong and healthy as a result. By Thursday I was just a little worn out, though. I wanted to do that seventh class but my heart wasn’t in it, my body was resisting, and I was STARVING for some reason. I seriously couldn’t get full or satiated. In walks the pizza. I had 2 large slices and loved them. I had plenty of points left for the week so it was “perfectly legal” – and delicious. That’s the big difference between WW and the other restricted ways I’d always lost weight in the past. The points system has changed the way I think about splurging. NOTHING is off-limits if you have the points so eating the pizza didn’t send me into a guilt binge. Cool.
My favorite friend at Meijers is leaving our store (insert sad music here as I will miss her) – she finally got a long-awaited promotion so I took her out for lunch this afternoon. We both love the OG’s soup and salad (and I can eat it without slaughtering my daily point count!). I wore my jeans and a blouse that I haven’t fit into in about a year. I was so comfortable. The jeans weren’t too tight and I felt pretty in the blouse. I had a moment of true happiness and an epiphany that none of the junk I ate in the last year gave me a feeling even close to the true happiness I was feeling over my recent weight loss. The junk food may have given me a brief thrill but it was always hand in hand with guilt. The happiness I felt (and feel) over being comfortable in my own skin (and clothes!) was pure and has lingered all day. No amount of chocolate has ever made me feel like that.
I also took a “during photo” to celebrate the 30+ pounds I’ve lost. I wore the same outfit (a tight yoga outfit that I was bulging out of 30 pounds ago) and a real difference is noticeable. That was another happy event of my day! That makes 3 fabulous reasons to break out into a h*a*p*p*y d*a*n*c*e – cha, cha, chaaaaaaa!
Eating Better, Moving More
The third time IS the charm:
I did EVERY pose today.
For me, that is HUGE.
I’ve done Bikram on and off for 3 years.
This is my third time starting over in the hot room.
I’ve only done every pose of a class – TWICE before…
This was number 3.
I’m 60 pounds overweight.
That DIDN’T matter, though.
I ROCKED that class.
I PLANTED myself in the front row.
I was filled with DETERMINATION.
I DID NOT allow a negative thought in.
I watched my EYES.
I PUSHED myself.
I was REWARDED with pride.
I’m so very PROUD of myself.
So, SOOOO worth it.
Eating Better, Moving More
Weight Watchers Anyone?
I wonder how many blogs have a Weight Watchers (WW) posts in them this January? I’m so cliché! Actually, I joined back in September of 2012 – I just haven’t blogged about it. This post is proof that it is working, though, because I only seem to find the energy and interest to blog when I’m losing weight and feeling good! I’m enjoying my journey into the world of WW. I have a great Leader and I really enjoy the process of re-learning things I’d forgotten and learning things that I hadn’t taken the time to learn in the past. I’m finally building healthy routines instead of just losing weight. In many ways I’m actually kind of living as though I’m maintaining as not much will change even when I reach my goal. I feel very healthy right now.
My Recent Weigh-In Numbers:
My WIs have been very positive and considering I took a week-long vacation and went through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. I think I’m losing at a good pace. So far I’ve lost 28.6 pounds in 14 weeks. It’s looked like this:
Start Weight 263 09-26-12
W1 -7.6 255.4
W2 -1.4 254.0
W3 -6.0 248.0
W4 -1.8 246.2
W5 +0.4 246.6
W6 ~ vacation ~
W7 +2.8 249.4
W8 -2.8 246.6
W9 -4.6 242.0
W10 -1.4 238.0
W11 -1.8 236.2
W13 0 236.2
W14 -1.6 234.6
Bikram, Sweet Bikram:
As of January I’ve returned to my Bikram Yoga practice. I so love to hate it and want to really master it but “Oh My God!” it’s hard. I’ve been searching and searching for someone out there with a blog that combines a Weight Watchers journey with a Bikram journey but haven’t had much luck…
I’m off to a really strong start as I get re-acquainted with the heat. I’ve gone to 9 classes this year and have been getting really close to doing two of every pose in the 26 pose series. Today I did all of the floor poses. I was quite proud of myself. The instructor delivered his dialogue as fast as an auctioneer or horse race commentator – it’s FAST! I love it because I don’t have anytime to let my thoughts wander or get negative. I’m loving it so far. I have to be careful to not set myself up to “fail” by trying to go too often or take on a 30-day challenge. Last time I did that I had a couple of bad classes and got so down on myself that I quit. Yes, I quit too easily last time. After that EVERYTHING fell apart. But that was then and this is now and now is good so I’m going to focus on now.
Yep, Now is good.
~ Eating Better, Moving More ~
I Succeeded Only to Fail… Once Again…
Almost exactly a year ago I set out on the simple journey to Eat Better, Move More. I didn’t stick to any hard and fast rules I just tried to make better choices over and over again all day long. After all, many small “better choices” in one day, all week long, month after month can add up to one heck of a successful lifestyle change. And it did. For the second time, in a few years, I lost over 50 pounds in under 5 months. I felt great (almost a little high on life). I don’t know why I didn’t take the time to blog about it, but I think I just didn’t want to focus too much light on it, if that makes sense??? I just wanted to work my little idea and Eat Better, Move More.
During that time I got a part-time job, I returned to Bikram Yoga, I bought new clothes in the smallest size I’d bought in probably a decade (regular XL tops, 16 pants), I could actually run without pain!, I wowed everyone during the Holidays, got my nose pierced (only kept it a week, though, it wasn’t really me), I made it through the Holidays with only a slight weight gain that I quickly lost in January, THEN (insert foreboding music here) I set myself up for failure by biting off more than I could chew with a Bikram 30-day challenge. I failed to even come close to finishing it, fell into a depression that snowballed (been riding the clinical depression train for over 20 years), had to switch to a new psychiatrist (that I don’t really care for), found myself severely uninfatuated with the part-time job and blamed my husband for wanting me to work at a waste-of-time $9/hr job, resumed my sugar-addiction-bingeing ways, started a new position that had me waking up at 4am and making me feel like a zombie once my shift was over, and VIOLA within 5 months ALL the weight was back. THUD. The perfect storm (many negative events in a row) hit me and I succumbed to the weight of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Gravity just seemed to be too strong on me and kept me down… again… which brings us up-to-date.
So where am I today?
The Bad: I’m uncomfortable in my body – SUPER uncomfortable, as in I have to change position and have a hard time at work because I’m so damn swollen and sore. My energy level is a negative 25%. My sugary diet gives me GAS!! I have very few clothes that fit since I gave away my “fat” clothes! I have back pain and shoulder pain and I’m avoiding visiting family that saw me over the Holidays because I’m embarrassed. That part is really sad, I know. I feel pathetic.
The Good: I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something. I KNOW my Eat Better, Move More philosophy is simple enough to follow and that it WORKS. Ambilify has been added to my anti-depressants and seems to be helping. I’ve finally gotten use to my new work shift and actually like it – AND the girls I work with – it’s actually a little fun now. I’ve found some inspiration to cook again AND to “fancy up” the house (I’ve been uninterested in both for a very long time). We’re preparing for a garage sale and are slowly decluttering (moving it into the garage. De-cluttering feels so good. My family loves me – they haven’t shown any disappointment in me – all the disappointment I feel in self-inflicted and I have the power to stop it. Have I mentioned that I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.
SOOOoooo…. What Now?
Do I make another “pledge” to fight the good fight? Nope. Do I re-commit to my previous re-commitments? Nope. Do I forgive my self for past failures and just love myself more (eye roll)? Nope. Been there – done that – failed miserably and what I say doesn’t matter any where near as much as what I do. I’m just gonna Eat Better, Move More. However little the adjustment is will be better than where I am now.
Today’s Plan? I’m going to fill my weekly vitamin container today – vitamins are good. I’m gonna drink some water today. Water is BETTER than pop, right?, and Better is Better! And to Move More I’m going to work in the office – organizing and de-cluttering for a while (even 15 minutes is More than nothing…). Simple goals that even a sloth should be able to accomplish today!! Sloth – not a very nice self-comparison but I’m still disappointed in myself and the only way I’ll beat that feeling is to make myself proud again. One small choice at a time.
The truth – I’m afraid to try, suceed, and fail again. But I was afraid last time, too, so I guess I’ll just try anyway. The alternative isn’t a better scenario (the alternative is being bed-ridden becasue I’m too huge to move!) I’m 5’8″ and about 250 pounds. I can do better than that (and no, I’m not even close to bed-ridden size but it could happen…)
******* Eat Better, Move More *******
and to end this post on a little higher note….
~ Some M*O*M*E*N*T*S of recent J*O*Y ~
* Tried a new cookie recipe that turned out great – love finding new “keeper” recipes! *
* Recently started watching “Monk” reruns – he makes me laugh! *
* I’m a few years – okay a LOT of years – behind the trend but I started reading the Harry Potter series – they’re fun, quick reads. And a nice little escape from reality *
~ Angie ~
Permission to ROCK Slip
On this day, January 7, 2012, you, Angie, officially have my permission to ROCK the following 30 days of Bikram Yoga. This permission slip includes the following provisions:
- When your work schedule doesn’t allow you to attend a class, you have my permission to practice at home, (absolutely guilt-free). You have the tools and you have the desire so get in that heated bathroom and make yourself proud!
- Following a rough class, (everyone has them), you have my permission to be proud of the fact that you made it to class and stayed in the room. It’s yoga practice,– not yoga perfect.
Most importantly, you have my permission to relax into your yoga bubble, taking one pose at a time, and taking to your knee when you have to. There’s no need to anticipate or dread any pose because you have my full permission to embrace each struggle as it appears then blow the memory away as you meet your eyes in the mirror and breathe.
Good Camel. Good Life.
Angie – I Give You Permission to Be Good to Yourself.