I want to quit
Quit what? My job. Yoga. Weight Watchers. Housework. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I REALLY don’t want to quit but I keep having the thought run through my head – When I’m at work it sounds like, “I hate this job. This is so boring. I hardly make any money. What’s the point? I should have called in sick.” During yoga the quitter in me says, “Why am I here? I’m hot and tired. I want to sit this one out. I’m hot and tired. I want to leave early. Maybe I should take a bathroom break.” When I’m almost out of points for the day (or faced with a dessert I really want) that damn quitter YELLS, “Just eat it. One brownie won’t hurt. You can start again tomorrow. Quick, no one is looking.” And housework – I’ve basically already quit that, ha-ha. So what I’ve come to realize is that the more I entertain thoughts of quitting the more I have thoughts of quitting. And thinking of quitting in one area of my life makes it easier to consider quitting in other areas, too.
So what’s a quitter to do? How do I get these thoughts to exit my head once and for all? I know the answer but don’t know how to really implement it. The answer? Dr. Beck gave it to me when she said, “Each time we “resist” an urge to fall off plan or not exercise we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle” making it easier to either “resist” or “give in” next time.” The same can be said about quitting, too – ie. the more often we quit the easier it gets to quit. Another helpful idea is one I found on cravings, “A craving ends when we definitely decide to eat the temptation or to not eat it. The final decision is what makes the craving go away.” So like I said I know the answer, but how does one really go about riding their mind of quitting when something gets too hard? I know I’m not going to quit any of those things but the desire is always there. I want the desire to go away. I want to accept my situations and do the work to get through them without dwelling on the idea of quitting.
UGH. I wish I could master my brain. Sometimes it works so well, ya know? I guess it’s true that your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy…
Eating Better. Moving More.
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Week 15 Weigh In Results
Down 4.2! Wahoooo! I worked really hard this week and was close to pulling a 5… Thursday I skipped yoga and ate pizza, though – I think that would have given me the .8 I was short but I ain’t gonna sweat it. That .8 will show up this week and it will get me into the 220’s – Wahoooooo!
I did Bikram 6 times between weigh ins last week! I felt really strong and healthy as a result. By Thursday I was just a little worn out, though. I wanted to do that seventh class but my heart wasn’t in it, my body was resisting, and I was STARVING for some reason. I seriously couldn’t get full or satiated. In walks the pizza. I had 2 large slices and loved them. I had plenty of points left for the week so it was “perfectly legal” – and delicious. That’s the big difference between WW and the other restricted ways I’d always lost weight in the past. The points system has changed the way I think about splurging. NOTHING is off-limits if you have the points so eating the pizza didn’t send me into a guilt binge. Cool.
My favorite friend at Meijers is leaving our store (insert sad music here as I will miss her) – she finally got a long-awaited promotion so I took her out for lunch this afternoon. We both love the OG’s soup and salad (and I can eat it without slaughtering my daily point count!). I wore my jeans and a blouse that I haven’t fit into in about a year. I was so comfortable. The jeans weren’t too tight and I felt pretty in the blouse. I had a moment of true happiness and an epiphany that none of the junk I ate in the last year gave me a feeling even close to the true happiness I was feeling over my recent weight loss. The junk food may have given me a brief thrill but it was always hand in hand with guilt. The happiness I felt (and feel) over being comfortable in my own skin (and clothes!) was pure and has lingered all day. No amount of chocolate has ever made me feel like that.
I also took a “during photo” to celebrate the 30+ pounds I’ve lost. I wore the same outfit (a tight yoga outfit that I was bulging out of 30 pounds ago) and a real difference is noticeable. That was another happy event of my day! That makes 3 fabulous reasons to break out into a h*a*p*p*y d*a*n*c*e – cha, cha, chaaaaaaa!
Eating Better, Moving More
The third time IS the charm:
I did EVERY pose today.
For me, that is HUGE.
I’ve done Bikram on and off for 3 years.
This is my third time starting over in the hot room.
I’ve only done every pose of a class – TWICE before…
This was number 3.
I’m 60 pounds overweight.
That DIDN’T matter, though.
I ROCKED that class.
I PLANTED myself in the front row.
I was filled with DETERMINATION.
I DID NOT allow a negative thought in.
I watched my EYES.
I PUSHED myself.
I was REWARDED with pride.
I’m so very PROUD of myself.
So, SOOOO worth it.
Eating Better, Moving More
Weight Watchers Anyone?
I wonder how many blogs have a Weight Watchers (WW) posts in them this January? I’m so cliché! Actually, I joined back in September of 2012 – I just haven’t blogged about it. This post is proof that it is working, though, because I only seem to find the energy and interest to blog when I’m losing weight and feeling good! I’m enjoying my journey into the world of WW. I have a great Leader and I really enjoy the process of re-learning things I’d forgotten and learning things that I hadn’t taken the time to learn in the past. I’m finally building healthy routines instead of just losing weight. In many ways I’m actually kind of living as though I’m maintaining as not much will change even when I reach my goal. I feel very healthy right now.
My Recent Weigh-In Numbers:
My WIs have been very positive and considering I took a week-long vacation and went through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. I think I’m losing at a good pace. So far I’ve lost 28.6 pounds in 14 weeks. It’s looked like this:
Start Weight 263 09-26-12
W1 -7.6 255.4
W2 -1.4 254.0
W3 -6.0 248.0
W4 -1.8 246.2
W5 +0.4 246.6
W6 ~ vacation ~
W7 +2.8 249.4
W8 -2.8 246.6
W9 -4.6 242.0
W10 -1.4 238.0
W11 -1.8 236.2
W13 0 236.2
W14 -1.6 234.6
Bikram, Sweet Bikram:
As of January I’ve returned to my Bikram Yoga practice. I so love to hate it and want to really master it but “Oh My God!” it’s hard. I’ve been searching and searching for someone out there with a blog that combines a Weight Watchers journey with a Bikram journey but haven’t had much luck…
I’m off to a really strong start as I get re-acquainted with the heat. I’ve gone to 9 classes this year and have been getting really close to doing two of every pose in the 26 pose series. Today I did all of the floor poses. I was quite proud of myself. The instructor delivered his dialogue as fast as an auctioneer or horse race commentator – it’s FAST! I love it because I don’t have anytime to let my thoughts wander or get negative. I’m loving it so far. I have to be careful to not set myself up to “fail” by trying to go too often or take on a 30-day challenge. Last time I did that I had a couple of bad classes and got so down on myself that I quit. Yes, I quit too easily last time. After that EVERYTHING fell apart. But that was then and this is now and now is good so I’m going to focus on now.
Yep, Now is good.
~ Eating Better, Moving More ~
I Succeeded Only to Fail… Once Again…
Almost exactly a year ago I set out on the simple journey to Eat Better, Move More. I didn’t stick to any hard and fast rules I just tried to make better choices over and over again all day long. After all, many small “better choices” in one day, all week long, month after month can add up to one heck of a successful lifestyle change. And it did. For the second time, in a few years, I lost over 50 pounds in under 5 months. I felt great (almost a little high on life). I don’t know why I didn’t take the time to blog about it, but I think I just didn’t want to focus too much light on it, if that makes sense??? I just wanted to work my little idea and Eat Better, Move More.
During that time I got a part-time job, I returned to Bikram Yoga, I bought new clothes in the smallest size I’d bought in probably a decade (regular XL tops, 16 pants), I could actually run without pain!, I wowed everyone during the Holidays, got my nose pierced (only kept it a week, though, it wasn’t really me), I made it through the Holidays with only a slight weight gain that I quickly lost in January, THEN (insert foreboding music here) I set myself up for failure by biting off more than I could chew with a Bikram 30-day challenge. I failed to even come close to finishing it, fell into a depression that snowballed (been riding the clinical depression train for over 20 years), had to switch to a new psychiatrist (that I don’t really care for), found myself severely uninfatuated with the part-time job and blamed my husband for wanting me to work at a waste-of-time $9/hr job, resumed my sugar-addiction-bingeing ways, started a new position that had me waking up at 4am and making me feel like a zombie once my shift was over, and VIOLA within 5 months ALL the weight was back. THUD. The perfect storm (many negative events in a row) hit me and I succumbed to the weight of the stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Gravity just seemed to be too strong on me and kept me down… again… which brings us up-to-date.
So where am I today?
The Bad: I’m uncomfortable in my body – SUPER uncomfortable, as in I have to change position and have a hard time at work because I’m so damn swollen and sore. My energy level is a negative 25%. My sugary diet gives me GAS!! I have very few clothes that fit since I gave away my “fat” clothes! I have back pain and shoulder pain and I’m avoiding visiting family that saw me over the Holidays because I’m embarrassed. That part is really sad, I know. I feel pathetic.
The Good: I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something. I KNOW my Eat Better, Move More philosophy is simple enough to follow and that it WORKS. Ambilify has been added to my anti-depressants and seems to be helping. I’ve finally gotten use to my new work shift and actually like it – AND the girls I work with – it’s actually a little fun now. I’ve found some inspiration to cook again AND to “fancy up” the house (I’ve been uninterested in both for a very long time). We’re preparing for a garage sale and are slowly decluttering (moving it into the garage. De-cluttering feels so good. My family loves me – they haven’t shown any disappointment in me – all the disappointment I feel in self-inflicted and I have the power to stop it. Have I mentioned that I’m uncomfortable enough that I HAVE to do something.
SOOOoooo…. What Now?
Do I make another “pledge” to fight the good fight? Nope. Do I re-commit to my previous re-commitments? Nope. Do I forgive my self for past failures and just love myself more (eye roll)? Nope. Been there – done that – failed miserably and what I say doesn’t matter any where near as much as what I do. I’m just gonna Eat Better, Move More. However little the adjustment is will be better than where I am now.
Today’s Plan? I’m going to fill my weekly vitamin container today – vitamins are good. I’m gonna drink some water today. Water is BETTER than pop, right?, and Better is Better! And to Move More I’m going to work in the office – organizing and de-cluttering for a while (even 15 minutes is More than nothing…). Simple goals that even a sloth should be able to accomplish today!! Sloth – not a very nice self-comparison but I’m still disappointed in myself and the only way I’ll beat that feeling is to make myself proud again. One small choice at a time.
The truth – I’m afraid to try, suceed, and fail again. But I was afraid last time, too, so I guess I’ll just try anyway. The alternative isn’t a better scenario (the alternative is being bed-ridden becasue I’m too huge to move!) I’m 5’8″ and about 250 pounds. I can do better than that (and no, I’m not even close to bed-ridden size but it could happen…)
******* Eat Better, Move More *******
and to end this post on a little higher note….
~ Some M*O*M*E*N*T*S of recent J*O*Y ~
* Tried a new cookie recipe that turned out great – love finding new “keeper” recipes! *
* Recently started watching “Monk” reruns – he makes me laugh! *
* I’m a few years – okay a LOT of years – behind the trend but I started reading the Harry Potter series – they’re fun, quick reads. And a nice little escape from reality *
~ Angie ~
Permission to ROCK Slip
On this day, January 7, 2012, you, Angie, officially have my permission to ROCK the following 30 days of Bikram Yoga. This permission slip includes the following provisions:
- When your work schedule doesn’t allow you to attend a class, you have my permission to practice at home, (absolutely guilt-free). You have the tools and you have the desire so get in that heated bathroom and make yourself proud!
- Following a rough class, (everyone has them), you have my permission to be proud of the fact that you made it to class and stayed in the room. It’s yoga practice,– not yoga perfect.
Most importantly, you have my permission to relax into your yoga bubble, taking one pose at a time, and taking to your knee when you have to. There’s no need to anticipate or dread any pose because you have my full permission to embrace each struggle as it appears then blow the memory away as you meet your eyes in the mirror and breathe.
Good Camel. Good Life.
Angie – I Give You Permission to Be Good to Yourself.
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She’s Been Spotted
You know how your mirror and camera don’t agree on how you look (I look soooo much better in the mirror than I do in pictures!)? Well, it’s pretty much the same thing when you see a person that looks like you – ie. your Doppelganger. My daughter and I (ok, mostly me) play the “Is-she-bigger-than-me-game”. Basically, I’ll see a woman and ask her,”Is she bigger than me?”. The point of the game is that I want her to say, “Yeah, Mom. She’s bigger.” So naturally, I usually pick women that I think I’m smaller than – ha, ha (yes, I fix the game!). Today, though, I met my match as they say. She was even wearing a shirt that I own! Even before I asked my daughter the question – I knew the answer. We had the same body shape. The same body size. Close to the same height. Our faces and hair are different, though! If it wouldn’t have been rude, I’d have asked for a picture! Ha, ha!
She’s actually the friend of a friend and is a perfectly nice woman. I don’t want to have her body, though. It’s a little hard to see it and know I look the same. Not much else to say about it, I guess. I know I’ll be running into her pretty regularly. I’d like to ask my daughter “THE” question one day and have her be able to honestly answer, “Yeah, Mom. She’s bigger.”… It’s a childish game, I know. I imagine I’m not the only one that plays it, though!
Weight Loss Guru’s Through The Years
It’s been about a decade that I’ve been over weight and trying to lose it. Like most women in the same boat, I’ve tried many programs. They all seem to work for the period of time that I could stick to them. That’s always been the problem for me, though. The sticking to it. While none if them have been a sustainable life-style for me, many things that I’ve learned thru them/on them have stayed with me. Many of the ideas, tips, etc, are what I’m holding on to right now. Some of the things I’ve learned through the many diet guru’s who have passed through my life over the years:
6 Week Body Makeover Taught Me:
- the benefit of eating 5 small meals a day
- what a real serving looks like
Richard Simmons (yep, you read that right):
- by cutting soda out of your diet you can lose 10-12 pounds
- eat protein, fats, vegetables, and fruit – just not all in the same meal
- gave me my favorite beanless chili recipe
- the importance of everything in moderation
- to not be afraid to venture off the written recipe
Geneen Roth Taught Me:
- eat when you’re hungry
- eat what you really want – just eat it slowly, mindfully, and joyfully – stop when you’re full (ie. listen to your body)
- the binge – “Compulsion and awareness cannot coexist at the same time.” Once you are aware that you are in the moment of compulsive behavior the “spell is broken”. Now it’s a choice, not a uncontrollable force.
- it’s not okay to take it easy on the weekends and every special event BECAUSE – There are about 140 weekend days of a year, not to mention the numerous holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, showers, weddings, parties, restaurant meals, fairs, conferences, meetings, special occasions, and vacation days.
- each time we “resist” an urge to fall of plan we strengthen our “resistance muscle” and each time we “give in” to temptation we strengthen our “give in muscle”
- don’t veer from your plan unless you’ve “planned” to ahead of time (don’t decide to eat cake just because there’s one in the break room) and if you’re going to eat something high-calorie, fat, sweet, etc… make sure it’s a 10 out of 10 (something you truly love) don’t waste your recent efforts on a 5 or 6…
The Full Plate Diet:
- increase the fiber in your diet – it makes you feel full – therefore you’ll eat less and fiber is calorie-free – therefore you’ll consume less calories making it easier to burn more calories than you eat in a day
- when you eat more fiber you soon realize you need to drink more water – which is a good thing
Dr. Oz & Angela from the Green Monster Movement:
- adding spinach (steamed baby spinach) to my morning smoothie is excellent for my diet with no noticeable taste
- You can only find out what is possible with your body if you first conquer your mind.
- the importance of doing an exercise that you enjoy
Various Low-Carb Plans:
- the importance of keeping pre-made snacks and meals in the fridge
- that I feel good when my protein and veggie intake far out-weighs my carb intake
- how insulin works in the body
- stop eating at 7 or 8 each night and embrace that achy/rumbling belly when you’re trying to fall asleep – that’s what it feels like when your body is living off its fat reserves. (yeah, probably not true but I like the image!)
and, of course, the piece de la resistance:
or… maybe it’s fat melting???
Those are the lessons that come to mind, anyway. Those ideas along with “Eat Better. Move More.” are the casual “rules” I’m following. And I do mean casual rules – see previous post!!
Eating Better. Moving More.
(Think I’ll go for an evening walk tonight – it’s perfect walking weather!)
~ Angie ~